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The Ballad of Angus MacGregor
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Story Notes:

Written circa 2003. Heavily edited in 2009.

It was a lovely day in April in suburban Tokyo,
The boys were doing housework, maybe (how the hell should I know?)
When suddenly the phone rang and Cye picked it up: “Hello?”
“Cye, this is your mum and there is something you should know.

“Remember cousin Angus, your Scottish/Irish kin?
He said he’d like to visit you and also meet your friends.
I don’t know when he left but I am sure he’s on his way,
So batten down the hatches.” And that’s all she had to say.

Not a single minute passed when came a-knocking at the door
Cye’s dear cousin Angus, and Cye’s jaw hit the floor.
Ryo went to answer and the door he opened wide,
Then screeched in fear and terror at the thing he saw outside.

Hairy, red and kilted was MacGregor through and through,
A leprechaun with chest hair that was nearly six foot two.
He had a goatee and a sheep dog stood there at his side
He beamed and roared, “HOW DO YE!? NOW WHERE THE FOOK IS CYE!?”

One by one the Ronins came downstairs to see the sight
Of Cye’s dear cousin Angus, and they nearly died with fright.
Rowen shook his hand and Angus nearly broke the bones
And Rowen crawled off someplace so no one could hear his groans.

Hesitantly were the others introduced to him
But the situation got much worse when Sage came walking in.
Angus swore to God that he had never seen a lass
With such a gorgeous face and bod and eyes and legs and . . . hair.

Sage just flared his nostrils, curled his lip in pure disgust
At this filthy, hairy Braveheart guy who tripped and fell in lust.
“I’m not a girl, you nitwit, I’m a man, a dude, a jock!”
Said Sage to Angus, who replied, “And I be Queen of Scots!

“Yer chest is kinda lackin’ but that never turned me off-
I’m sure ya got a lovely pair!” And Sage passed out in shock.
Cye was there to catch him and he shook his head in pity:
It really wasn’t Sage’s fault that he was born so pretty.

Night passed at the Ronins’ place, the sun rose up at dawn
And suddenly a screeching awful sound came from the lawn.
Cye looked out the window to see Angus standing nude,
Honking on his bagpipes and out in public view.

He coaxed his naked cousin back inside and fussed him out
And at that time, from up the stairs, Sage came shuffling down.
He laid his eyes on Angus and he gagged and bolted by
And Cye could hear him puking; Angus thought the lass was shy.

Later Rowen studied for his test that was that week.
Angus sat down with him, used the books to scrape his feet.
He asked since Rowen’s hair was such a funky shade of blue
If the fur in Rowen’s knickers was as blue and funky, too.

Rowen got offended and punched Angus in the nose;
And Angus said a fairy could deliver harder blows.
The Scottish/Irish lad then let his sheepdog come inside
And fleas infested up the house, which stunk to Heaven high.

Ryo’s temper flared when Angus teased and taunted Cye
He knew he was his relative, but that’s no alibi.
And if he tried to stand up and defend the helpless Brit,
“Oh, so e’s yer boyfriend?” was the comment he would get.

It didn’t stop at taunting, no, he drove Sanada mad
He’d make up songs about the way the dude cried like a fag.
He’d make fun of his mullet and of all his purple tees
And Ryo had to come back with insults in Japanese.

One day Kento had a craving for some fine cuisine
And Angus recommended something Scottish to the teen.
Kento then agreed and when he ate it, nearly puked
‘Cause Angus served him haggis, Scotland’s famous sheep gut stew.

Kento, with his stomach made of steel, fit to eat
The toughest things on planet earth, perhaps even concrete,
Bolted to the loo to empty out his queasy guts,
And Angus said, “Ya sissy! Haggis puts hair on yer . . . chest.”

How long Angus stayed with them, no one knew quite for sure
But he had to be the worst guest they had ever had before.
Haggis and those bagpipes in the morning, and that dog
That gave poor White Blaze fleas and barked, ticked everybody off.

But Seiji had it worst of all, may Heaven spare his life
He feared and worried he’d become the bastard’s wedded wife.
He did all that he could to illustrate he was a guy
But Angus, stubborn Angus, rejected Seiji’s “lie”.

And then one day it came when Sage could tolerate no more
He screamed out loud, “I’LL SHOW YOU!” and he dropped his frigging drawers.
Angus blinked and stared and then he rubbed his hairy jaw
Said, “Tha’s the biggest hernia I think I eveh saw.”

Sage gave up completely after that and he endured
The flowers, gifts and chocolates without uttering a word.
And Angus, just before he left, vowed that he’d write to Sage
And put poetic words of love on every single page.

A week or two had passed since Angus finally went back home
The Ronins worked hard on repairing everything they owned.
Kilts and bagpipes, haggis and a dog that humped your leg
Was something they would all be glad to never see again.

Cye still dreads his mum’s next phone call to this very day
And lives in fear of cousin Angus coming back to stay.
But just in case, the Ronins came up with a master plan:
To pack up on first flight leaving Tokyo, Japan.



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