Story Notes:Written circa 2003. Edited in 2009.
‘Twas the night before Talpa invaded Japan
and not a warrior was stirring all over the land.
The temples were silent and dark and deserted
‘cause everyone left for fear they’d be murdered.
The Ronins, all five, were asleep in their beds
while visions of carnage danced through their heads.
And Mia in her nightie and Yuli in bed,
had just settled in to sleep like the dead.
When from out in the town there arose such a thunder,
all sprang out of bed in shock and in wonder.
Out to the balcony they flew like five flashes,
tripped in the dark and busted their asses.
The clouds of jet black made the night seem much darker
and the city was suddenly colder and starker
When what to their horrified eyes should behold
But a big, giant castle and four evil Warlords!
With an ugly old demon, a face worth forgettin’
they thought that at first it was Hillary Clinton.
But no, it was Talpa. He summoned his slaves;
he roared and he screamed and he called them bad names:
“WARLORD OF CRUELTY AND WARLORD OF VENOM!
ATTACK THOSE FIVE RONINS AND TEACH ‘EM A LESSON!
WARLORD OF DARKNESS, WARLORD OF ILLUSIONS!
DON’T COME BACK TILL THEY’VE GOT CONTUSIONS!
GET OUT OF THIS CASTLE, GO NOW! OUT THE DOOR!
GO, YOU FOUR PEONS! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As the Ronins, all five of them, stared in dismay
the Warlords began to come flying their way.
So they called up their arms and gathered their weapons;
they’d show those punks to watch where they’re steppin’.
And then, in a moment, they heard on the roof
the stomping of four rather unfriendly dudes.
They sprang back inside and raced with all might
in time to see Warlords burst into sight!
They were dressed in full armor and covered with grime
‘cause the chimney was the only way in at the time.
Armed to the teeth and poised to attack,
the Warlords glared down. The Ronins glared back.
And, oh! The battle ensuing surpassed
every fight in the book; the Ronins kicked ass.
The Warlords crawled back to Talpa’s abode in
which he threw them in chains and had them demoted.
Talpa was troubled, his outlook was grim
at the thought that those children could stand up to him.
He tried to defeat them and figured out how:
by absorbing their armors like a big evil Shamwow!
The demon appeared before the five samurais
and roared, “GIVE ME YOUR ARMORS OR I’LL POKE OUT YOUR EYES!
I’LL MAIM AND DISMEMBER ALL FIVE OF YOU BRATS
AND CUT YOU IN PIECES AND SQUISH YOU ALL FLAT!
The Ronins, not scared, said, “Bring it on, you big jerk!”
And the battle that followed was filled with butthurt.
They blasted and bludgeoned with deft certainty
till Talpa was wailing and screaming for mercy.
And then Ryo said, “Get out, don’t come back!
‘Cause next time you do, my foot’s in your crack!”
The rest then joined in and booed and made faces
at Talpa’s behind as packed his suitcases.
He sprang to his gates and gathered his castle
And away he went with his four Warlord assholes.
And then Talpa shouted so loud so all could hear,
“JUST YOU WAIT, RONIN DOGS! I’LL BE BACK AGAIN NEXT YEAR!”