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Little Red Riding Hood
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Originally published in 2000. Lyrics from "Little Red Riding Hood" by Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

“No, no, no. You don’t understand, Howard. I-”

An outraged tinny voice screamed in the receiver and Duo Maxwell held the phone away from his ear, grimacing. He was crammed into a tiny phone booth, discussing some important information about his Gundam with Howard at an ungodly hour at night.

“I’m a what? No, listen. I said specifically that the colour was military grey, not misty grey... yeah, I know they both start with an ‘m’, but it makes a big diff-”

He turned around and saw a familiar silhouette trudging up the street.

Who’s that I see walkin’ in these woods?


It was Heero. Duo allowed himself to gawk momentarily until Howard’s voice brought him back to Earth.

“Howard? I’ve got to let you go. Something came up.”

And he wasn’t talking about Heero. He heard Howard’s voice protesting loudly as he hung up the phone, shouldered his backpack and stepped out into the darkened street. Duo could scarce suppress a wicked grin.

“Why, it’s Little Red Riding Hood.”

Heero turned with a start at the voice and saw Duo leaning casually against a lamp post, arms crossed and a crooked grin on his face.

Heero looked down at the red coat he was wearing and gazed back up at the boy who managed to sneak up behind him when no one else on Earth could.

“Very funny, Duo. How did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Creep up on me like that. It’s...creepy.”

Duo grinned wider and leaned up off the lamp post, striding towards Heero lazily. “Stealth is my specialty,” he said.

Heero suddenly became aware of Duo’s eyes running up and down the length of his body, and he turned around uncomfortably.

“Go away,” he huffed. “I’m on a mission.”

“Ooh! A mission,” he stated sarcastically. “Let me come with you-”

“It’s a solo mission.”

“So? Let’s make it a duo.” He winked and Heero backed away nervously.

“I don’t have time for this,” he muttered, and started walking. Duo followed closely. All the while, he took in the sights Heero had to offer him from behind. He licked his lips hungrily and continued to stare.

Hey there Little Red Riding Hood
You sure are looking good
You’re everything a big bad wolf could want...

“Hey, you shouldn’t be walking these streets at night,” Duo said, concern in his voice.

Heero sighed in an exasperated way and waited for Duo to catch up to him.

“And why is that?”

He jammed his hands into his pockets and tried to look genuinely worried.

“You might get jumped. And/or kidnapped and raped,” he enjoyed the look of surprise on Heero’s face and nearly chuckled. “Didn’t you know it’s not safe for little girls to walk out in the streets?”

Little Red Riding Hood
I don’t think little big girls should
Go walking in these spooky old woods alone...

Heero growled, “Are you calling me a little girl?”

“No, I’m calling you vulnerable,” he said, and walked to his side, latching Heero’s arm with his own. Duo watched those irresistible, dark blue eyes go wide, and he purposely looked the other way, up into the night sky.

“I know these streets better than you, so tell ya what. I’ll walk with you to wherever you’re going, just to make sure no big, bad wolves try to get you, okay?”

What big eyes you have
The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad
So just to see that you don’t get chased
I think I ought to walk with you for a ways...

“I don’t need an escort,” Heero said between clenched teeth. Duo shrugged.

“Maybe not, but you do need a guide. Like I said, I know these streets better than you.”

He started to walk on. Heero tried to pull his arm out of the lock, but he quickly gave up and walked with Duo in silence.

“It’s real dangerous to be out at this hour,” Duo commented coolly. “All the druggies and prostitutes come out of the woodwork. Night crawlers, we call them on L2. All the weirdoes and freaks. The person you bump into at the bar could stick you with a needle and you’ll be juiced with God-only-knows what type of drug.”

He paused. Heero said nothing, so he continued.

“Suppose you decide to get rip-roaring drunk and you pass out. The next thing you know, you’re waking up with five girls on toppa you and you’ve got enough STD’s to break the world record. It was typical where I come from. Thankfully, I wasn’t stupid enough to get involved and I was spared. I guess that’s the benefit of abstinence.”

I’m not planning to be abstinent for long...

“Yep, it’s a scary world out there. Here today, gone tomorrow. Then there’s all the homicidal maniacs hiding in the shadows, the hit-and-run victims, and I don’t mean hit as in a car. Sometimes it makes you feel like you’ve got a thousand eyes staring at you, but you can’t tell where they are...it’s the Devil’s playground out here...”

He felt Heero clutch his arm tighter, and he smirked inwardly. It was working. He had Heero all worked up now. An easy prey.

Heero didn’t notice Duo looking at him from the corner of his eye.

God, what I would give for a night with him. I think I’d sell my soul all over again just to be close to him...jeez, those lips. I just wanna kiss ‘em...

He smacked his lips without thinking, and Heero gave him an odd look.

What full lips you have
They’re sure to lure someone bad
So until you get to grandma’s place
I think you ought to walk with me and be safe...

“I don’t think Doctor J would approve of you tagging along,” Heero grouched. “It’s a top secret mission-”

“Mission, shmission,” Duo said airily. “J isn’t your daddy. He can’t tell you what to do and who to hang out with-”

“Maybe not,” Heero bit back with more vehemence than he had intended. “But I know for a fact he doesn’t approve of you or your...behaviour.”

Duo looked innocent. “What behaviour?”

“I don’t know,” Heero shook his head. “Just the way you act whenever....whenever you’re around me.”

“And what way is this?”

Heero sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know! What do I look like? Webster’s Encyclo-fucking-pedia?”

Duo grinned secretly. His plan was working just right. He would play angel for a while, until he got Heero alone...in the dark...

I’m gonna keep my sheep suit on
Until I’m sure that you’ve been shown
That I can be trusted walking with you alone...

“This is my stop,” Heero said, indicating a large, darkened building. Duo let his arm slip from his own. Now for phase two.

He turned around and started to walk away.

“Hey, wait!” Heero called, a hint of worry in his voice. Duo turned around and gazed at Heero indifferently.


“Could...” he choked. “Could you wait for me? I’ll only be a minute.”

Duo shrugged. “You’re a big boy. You can walk home on your own.”

And he turned back around. Heero reached forward and grabbed his shoulder. “Duo! You wouldn’t leave me out here....would you...?”

He smiled slightly. “Did what I say scare you, Heero?”

Heero fumbled for words. “Maybe not scare, but it’s got me worried. Just hang on one second, okay? I promise not to take too long.”

He ran quickly into the yard of the building, and Duo listened to his footsteps fade. Only then did he turn around, a smug look on his face.

“He’s just too easy,” he chuckled softly.

Little Red Riding Hood
I’d like to hold you if I could
But you might think I’m a big bad wolf so I won’t...

Heero returned a short while later, half expecting Duo to be gone. But he wasn’t. He was right where he left him. Heero sighed in relief.

“Mission complete?” Duo asked.

Heero nodded.

“That’s good.”

They started to walk away. Duo moved quickly into phase three. “Where are you staying tonight?”

“I was...actually planning on leaving as soon as this mission was completed.”

“Where will you go?”

Heero sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe back to Earth for a while...”

Duo bristled as he thought of Relena, and he said in a mocking voice, “Gonna visit your girlfriend?”

Heero stared at him roughly. “Don’t even joke about that. I couldn’t care less about her and her hypocritical beliefs that pacifism is the way to peace. I don’t believe it.”

Duo was genuinely surprised. Heero continued.

“Pacifism is for the meek people who have nothing better to do than to be the giant welcome mat of the world, always getting stepped on. Pacifism never solved anything. It’s as evil as war itself is, if not worse. Conflicts will happen, and so will wars. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. No one, not even the damned queen of the world can do a thing about it.”

Duo was screaming silently in joy. Those were words he longed to hear ever since he met Relena, and instantly hated her. Truthfully, he was not willing to admit he was jealous of her, but he was. Bitterly. He should have let Heero shoot her way back then. He kicked himself every day for having not done so, but not today. Today he was ecstatic, and his heart felt like it was about to burst through his ribcage. He could contain himself no longer.

What a big heart I have-the better to love you with
Little Red Riding Hood
Even bad wolves can be good...

“Heero, I’m in lo-”

But an enormous explosion cut off his sentence, and the pair turned and watched the building crumble into a pile of burning rubble. Heero looked at his watch.


And he strolled off, unconcerned. Duo was appalled that Heero could be capable of such mass destruction and still not think twice about it. He ran to catch up to him.

“Now, what were you saying?” Heero asked. Duo gulped.

“N...nothing. I forgot.”

He sighed heavily.

I’m so chicken shit. I guess I’ll have to be happy just walking with him tonight...

I’ll try to be satisfied just to walk close by your side
Maybe you’ll see things my way before we get to grandma’s place...

Duo stopped outside of his apartment and said, “This is my place...it was...nice seeing you again, Heero.”

Ask him to stay with you, man! Come ON! What have you got to lose...besides your virginity?

“You, too,” Heero murmured, purposely not looking at him. Silence descended. Finally, Duo summoned his courage and whispered, “Do you want to stay the night?”

Heero looked up. “Sure. I’d like that.”

Duo’s face was drawn and serious. “No. I mean, do you want to stay....the night.”

“I knew what you meant the first time,” Heero replied. “I also knew what you intended when you first saw me. Trying to scare me into your bed, huh?”

Duo felt the blood drain from his face and he fought for a reply. Heero chuckled.

“I applaud your tactics, Duo. Very clever. But next time-” he leaned forward until his face was inches from Duo’s. “-just ask me.”

Duo was rendered speechless. He pulled Heero into his arms and kissed him like he had always wanted to...and Heero didn’t fight back.

He pulled away and gazed at Heero gently. “So...you want to?”

Heero grinned. “Why would I not?”

And the apartment door closed behind them softly.

Little Red Riding Hood
You sure are looking good
You’re everything that a big bad wolf could want.

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