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Shame
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Story Notes:

Originally published in 2000. Lyrics from "Shame" by The Smashing Pumpkins.

you’re gonna walk on home
you’re gonna walk alone...


Duo stepped out into the rainy street, trying to forget how angry he was and trying to calm his temper. He would show Heero, just watch. He’d leave and never come back. Rain instantly soaked him but he ignored its freezing embrace. Every relationship has its high points as well as its low points... some even have an end, and Duo decided to end his troubles now.

He walked. Where, he didn’t know. Somewhere, anywhere but here.

you’re gonna see this through
don’t let them get to you
shame...


Heero watched Duo as he walked out of his life, probably forever.

“Good riddance to bad company,” he muttered, but felt the pang of betrayal seize his heart. He stood at the window, watching until Duo was out of sight... out of mind. Then he closed the curtains and set himself into darkness.

It was better if he left. It was better this way. It was... it was...

He lowered his head and fought against the tears.

Wrong. Completely wrong.

love is good and love is kind
love is drunk and love is blind...


Duo walked heavily through a bad part of town. He clutched his soaking wet denim jacket close to his body but it offered no warmth. Criminals watched the young man walk past them yet they didn’t dare to stop him. Criminals know more than they speak, and they knew about Duo... and the infamous Deathscythe Hell. So they let him alone, some closing curtains and some locking doors against this unwanted threat, this pathetic shred of a human being.

love is good and love is mine
love is drunk all the time
shame...


Heero remembered. He would never forget. The shame was his, for he was the one who had drunken himself into a stupor.

Duo and Wufei were over that night and Duo volunteered to drag Heero’s drunken ass to bed. He remembered vaguely how he saw Duo that night as he carried Heero in his arms. Without a second thought, he reached up and kissed Duo who, surprisingly, returned the favour.

Then things went too far. They ended up making love that night, and it was incredible... then Wufei walked in on them and they made him swear to secrecy. Not that it mattered. Trowa and Quatre were going at it every night, and not afraid to hide it. It was just that the bond Heero felt between himself and Duo was deeper, darker, and more mysterious than he could have ever imagined...

you’re gonna walk on home
you’re gonna walk alone
you’re gonna walk so far
you’re gonna wonder who you are
shame...

 

Duo hoped no one would see how he cried. He never cried, but he cried now. He felt the hot droplets run down his face, mixing with the cold rain. He wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking. He was remembering. Remembering all the good times they had together...

Playing basketball...

Stop it, you fool. Stop before you make yourself cry even harder-

Taking long walks together on chilly fall nights. It was nights like those that the memories of the two of them striding alone, hand in hand, were the most vivid.

Stop it! Stop doing this to yourself!

But he couldn’t. He let a sob escape his throat and he closed his eyes tight, stopping in his tracks. The tears ran down his face in hot rivulets, dripping from his face.

Life was better when you were with Heero...

“No!” he sobbed. “No no NO!”

He wouldn’t -couldn’t- believe it. Not now. Not at a time like this, when he was walking out in the God-forsaken rain, lamenting about how much his thoughts were true.

He grasped a lamp pole to steady himself and cried onto its surface.

love is good and love is kind
love is good and love is blind
love is good and love is mine
love is good all the time...

 

Heero stared at the door. I will wait for you. Even if you never come back...I will wait for you.

 

When Duo had his senses gathered, he rubbed the tears from his red eyes and, sniffing, really got a good look at his surroundings.

This is... where Heero lives...

He must have walked around the block. Maybe he got turned around somewhere or-

Fresh tears came to his eyes when he realised... he had never left home to begin with.

He stumbled up the steps and prepared to knock on the door. It opened unheeded. Lo and behold, Heero was standing there with tears running down his face, staring at a drenched and red-eyed Duo, hand raised to knock.

“H-Heero...” Duo stammered, then his mask broke. Heero silently drew Duo into his warm arms where the young man let himself cry. Heero felt more tears well up in his eyes and he closed them, causing their descent down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Duo sobbed. “I’m so, so sorry-!”

“Not as sorry as I am,” came Heero’s hoarse reply.

They stood together in the doorway a moment before stepping over the threshold and closing the door behind them.

hello goodbye, you know you made us cry...



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