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You Oughta Know
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Story Notes:

Originally published in 2001.


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Heero sat typing on his laptop one evening. It wasn’t a mission or cracking codes or working on his fifth novel about the tragedies of war that already won him the Pulitzer; he was IMing with his first, last, and only lover, one Shinigami666. This is an account of two lovers, interrupted by one obnoxious wanna-be.


Shinigami666: hey babe! smooch smooch i miss u! when r u coming home? or just coming?

Shinigami666: HAHAHA!!!!!!!

PerfectSoldier01: Cute. I’m not sure how much lon


At that moment, another IM box appeared next to their private chat. Heero glanced at the name and felt sick. He typed:


PerfectSoldier01: Oh God. You’ll never guess who just IMed me.

Shinigami666: doesn’t that bitch know when to give up?


Words in the box appeared:


PrincessYuy1: hi Heero. How are U?

PerfectSoldier01: I’m busy right now.

PrincessYuy1: How are you and your new girlfriend doing? I hear you two are inseperable

PerfectSoldier01: Yes, we are.

PrincessYuy1: I want you to know that I’m happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both

PerfectSoldier01: What?

PrincessYuy1: An older version of me. Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theatre?


Heero gagged and typed:


PerfectSoldier01: Relena you never went down on me, and you most certainly didn’t go

PerfectSoldier01: down on me in a theatre because we never went to a theatre

PrincessYuy1: Does she speak eloquently? And would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother.


Shinigami666: Is she harassing you?

PerfectSoldier01: Yes. Give me a minute. This could take a while.

Shinigami666: i’ll wait.


PerfectSoldier01: No, sHE won’t have my baby. It’s kind of impossible.

PrincessYuy1: oh that’s to bad, Heero. Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no


Heero very nearly wretched his guts out over his keyboard.



PrincessYuy1: we did in MY mind. Tell me, and every time you speak her name does she know how you told me you’d hold me until you died

PerfectSoldier01: I never held you, told you I’d hold you, I wouldn’t even hold your place in LINE for you.

PrincessYuy1: til you died

PerfectSoldier01: I wouldn’t touch you dead with a 10 foot pole

PrincessYuy1: But you’re still alive

PerfectSoldier01: And I am NOT, repeat NOT with YOU.

PrincessYuy1: i know that And I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away

PerfectSoldier01: You made your OWN mess, Relena.

PrincessYuy1: It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me

PerfectSoldier01: DENY you? You’re denying YOURSELF, in fact, YOU’RE IN DENIAL, RELENA. GET OVER IT



PrincessYuy1:you oughta know

PerfectSoldier01: KNOW WHAT!?


Shinigami666: you done yet?

PerfectSoldier01: No! She’s got the tenacity of a bulldog and the life of a roach. I can’t crush her or get her jaws off my ankle.

Shinigami666: want me to hex the bejesus out of her?

PerfectSoldier01: Not yet. I’m going to see what I can do

PerfectSoldier01: Sorry about this

Shinigami666: it’s ok sweety ^_^ !! get rid of the bad girl!!!! sick her, Heero!!!


Heero sighed heavily. He found Relena had typed something while he was chatting with Duo:


PrincessYuy1:You seem very well. things look peaceful

PerfectSoldier01: Are you stalking me again? Don’t you remember the restraining order? 500 yards. 499 and you’re in serious trouble, Relena.

PrincessYuy1: i remember. You see, i’m not quite as well. I thought you should know

PerfectSoldier01: That’s nice. I’ve really got to be going, Relena. I was having dinner when you IMed me and I’d like to get back to it.

PrincessYuy1: You take your laptop to the table?

PerfectSoldier01: I’m going to call the authorities, I swear, if you’re stalking me

PrincessYuy1: did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity?

PerfectSoldier01: How COULD I? You’re an obsessive-compulsive psychotic stalker and a dethroned pacifistic monarch bitch queen from Hell itself, and I don’t feel safe in my own HOUSE with all the windows and doors locked!

PrincessYuy1: I hate to bother you in the middle of dinner, but It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced

PerfectSoldier01: There was nothing TO replace. You were NEVER THERE.

PrincessYuy1: Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?


PrincessYuy1: Really? Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me

PerfectSoldier01: I never laid you in bed, on a couch, on ANYTHING, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, EVER. The only thing on which I WOULD lay you would be railroad tracks, and I’d be more inclined to toss or throw or propel you off the end of my foot onto said railroad tracks.

PrincessYuy1: And I’m not gonna fade As soon as you close your eyes and you know it

PerfectSoldier01: Just like a bad smell, right?

PrincessYuy1: And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it.

PerfectSoldier01: That’s great, Relena. I see you’re getting around.

PrincessYuy1: well can you feel it?

PerfectSoldier01: You are very sick, Relena. Get help and get out of my life. Or do yourself a favour and put a plastic bag over your head and take a DEEP breath. In case you haven’t noticed, I hate you. I will spell it out for you:

PerfectSoldier01: I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you, and I always will, forever and ever and ever-ever, amen.


Several minutes passed.


PerfectSoldier01: Relena?


Shinigami666: i just uploaded a virus into her computer system

Shinigami666: it literally melts the file allocation tables and renders the entire system useless. so all the pictures she saved of you are gone

Shinigami666: ^__^

PerfectSoldier01: I suddenly remember why I love you so much.

Shinigami666: you mean it isn’t just my overwelming sex appeal??

PerfectSoldier01: Aside from that.

Shinigami666: and how good i am in the sack!!! ^___^

PerfectSoldier: You pervert. I love perverts.

Shinigami666: so when are you coming home? i’m super frisky. i might hurt you when you come thru the door. i’m like a wild animal.

PerfectSoldier01: I’ll only be here two days at the most. Then I’ll be home.

Shinigami666: i can’t wait....

Shinigami666: you wanna have cybersex?

PerfectSoldier01: I’m a cybervirgin. You’ll have to tell me how.

Shinigami666: ok. where are your hands on my body right now?


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